The Crack Pipe Nebula
by GiantTribble
Summary: A stoner comedy in which the Enterprise runs into a planet inside a mysterious nebula that is inhabited by strange beings. Hilarity ensues as Kirk, Spock and the rest of the gang get high on a mysterious pink gas.


Captain's log, stardate 420.666

We are en route to the planet Zerubabbel because there is a herd of giant tribbles eating the quadrotriticale crop. However there is a  
mysterious object in our way.

Sulu: Captain, I am unable to control this ship. Apparently we are stuck in a tractor beam but I do not see any other ships around. This  
area isn't known for its Klingon population. Wait a minute what is that.

Kirk: It's... hot pink and lime green. Spock, have you ever seen anything like that

Spock: It looks like a nebula. But it's not just any nebula. In high school sex ed back on Vulcan, we were warned about the notorious  
Romulan drug called "cracq" and this nebula looks like a "cracq pipe". Logically, this is not possible.

Uhura: But there may be Romulans inside. Remember this is the neutral zone so they are breaking interstellar law. There appears to be a broadcast coming from a planet inside the nebula so I'm going to plug in the translator.

So far there's nothing. It sounds like random space noises.

Sulu: We are about to enter the nebula right now. Brace for impact

The ship was hit with a giant HOOM impact noise, similar to the sound of someone taking a huff of a crack pipe.

All of a sudden, a strange odor begins to fill the ship.

Uhura: Captain, there is a strange pink gas coming in through the vent. I can't stop it.

Meanwhile in the transporter room:

Scotty: There is someone coming through the transporter. I can't stop this person

A pink light sparkles in the transporter and a fat chick with the head of a subway rat shows up. She is wearing tight leopard print clothes and is brandishing some sort of giant phaser the size of an AK.

Scotty: Kirk you better get in here boy

Kirk: It's a Jerseyan hoodrat! Set phasers to maximum!

Hoodrat: *Cackle* You are now under my control!

The hoodrat sends out a mental beam and Kirk wobbles. Spock shows up and catches him, then zaps the hood rat. She twitches, then vanishes into a puff of hot pink smoke.

When Kirk wakes up he is in sick bay along with a couple of ensigns.

Bones: Dammit, Spock are you out of your Vulcan mind?! You let Kirk get  
brainzapped by a Jerseyan hoodrat, one of the deadliest parasites next  
to the Borg?!

Spock: I... was affected by the pink gas. It is making me think... illogically.

All of a sudden a sort of bizarre music comes over the intercom. It sounded like shitty Romulan dance music and had a beat like  
_ntzntzntzntzntz_. Spock held his ears and said:

Spock: Weakened... by these evil waves of sound... ack

He passes out momentarily then wakes up in a daze. Bones is in a corner acting paranoid and deluded, smoking what appears to be a  
rolled up piece of paper.

Kirk and one of the ensigns is doing a bizarre Romulan dance. Spock is struck by the sudden urge to join in and he drops a squat and starts popping his booty like Kirk is doing. The dance, known as 'twerking' is highly illogical, he muses, and is reminiscent of wombat mating rituals.

Eventually they somehow end up on the bridge, where a visible cloud of pink gas has formed. Chekov is grinding his crotch on the back of Sulu's head. Uhura is making out with Scotty. It is apparent that the entire ship was in a state reminiscent of pon farr.

Kirk suddenly looks at the screen and sees that a planet has appeared ahead.

Kirk: Sulu, don't land on that planet. There's something weird about it...

Sulu: I am unfortunately no longer in control of this ship. It appears as though some weird force is moving us toward that planet.

The planet up ahead was bubblegum pink and suffused with the same pink gas that had appeared on the ship. As they got closer and went through the atmospheric barrier they could see that the cities consist entirely of neon colored McMansions and that most of the population consists of identical looking Romulan men, and women that look like the Jerseyan hoodrat.

Kirk: Well, I guess we have to go to this planet now, tribbles or no tribbles

Kirk, Spock and Bones beam down to the planet's surface. A green skinned blonde chick in a bikini and Louboutins runs toward them from over the hill and says:

Green Chick: Help me, I have escaped from Charlius Zeta's mansion and I'm trying to get off this planet real fast.

Bones: Calm yo' self missy who are you and who is this Charlius?

Green Chick: My name is Lindsay and I am from the planet Omnicron. Charlius is a Romulan who has taken over this planet. There are a lot of these guys and they're all called Charlius. I think they're clones.

Kirk: Clones? Charlius?

Spock: Charlius Chanos was a notorious Romulan sex offender who went throughout the galaxy collecting bitches and hoes. He was banned from Vulcan for kidnapping people and keeping them in a dungeon. However, records show that he died 200 years ago.

Lindsay: Charlius got a lot of girls to go to this planet by putting fake want ads for babysitters on a number of planetary systems,  
including Omnicron.

Kirk: Charlius must have cloned himself a billion times, making his presence hard to eliminate.

A scrawny, insane looking, Romulan in buttless chaps and a fishnet shirt came over the hill, wielding a giant phaser that looked like an AK.

Charlius: Give me the girl!

Lindsay screamed. Kirk fired at Charlius, and he ducked.

Charlius: Okay, I found someone better!

Suddenly a force field bubble appears around Mr. Spock and he realized that Charlius has captured him. Charlius Zeta vanishes.

Kirk: Lindsay, we need your help. Where is Charlius Zeta's palace, he's got our first officer.

Lindsay: It's over that hill. But hurry!

Kirk: Well you're gonna show us where it is.

They are at Charlius Zeta's palace, a pink sandstone McMansion in the middle of the forest.

Lindsay: This way!

They go into the compound through a back window that goes into the basement. Inside, a door leads to a dungeon. Kirk sees that the  
Charlius has rope bondaged Spock, Japanese style, as well as gagged him, so he frees his first officer.

Spock: The Charlius has gone upstairs momentarily to cook some _cracq_ rocks. But he will be back soon. I have a plan.

The Charlius unit came downstairs, satiated from his hourly dose of _cracq_ and chugging a bottle of Old Klingon 800 Romulan ale. Suddenly, Kirk pops out of the closet half naked with Lindsay, and tazes him. Spock traps him in one of those force fields and they eventually tie him up in a corner.

Kirk: Talk, you dirty old Romulan. How did you get to this corner of the galaxy and why have you captured all these girls?

Charlius: *Sigh* Well, it all began when I was exiled from Romulus for child molestation. Before my downward spiral into cracq addiction I was the star of Real World Romulus Beach Edition.

They were going to cut off my wang so I escaped to Vulcan, where I knew that there were fewer cops and nobody knew what drugs were so I was going to be safe even though it's really boring there.

Eventually the Vulcans got rid of me too so I found this planet where I began to clone myself so that I could have double and quadruple the fun. I spread out my katra throughout the clones so that I could have sex with multiple people at once and smoke infinite amounts of cracq.

Jerseyan hoodrats are native to this region so I mated with them at first, but then I became tired of their body hair so I started  
recruiting females from throughout the galaxy. I tried to get Romulan and Vulcan young boys because they don't have butt hair but they weren't interested.

Spock: It seems that you have a problem with addiction. *Sigh* I am going to have to mind meld with you to find out how deep this problem runs because you can't keep kidnapping girls or else they'll send you to the dilithium mines. All of you.

Spock mind melds with Charlius for a second and then he suddenly pulls away, having turned pale.

Spock: The porn... I did not know that such horrifying perversions existed in the universe. It is enough to induce me to drink Romulan  
ale in excess even though that is not logical.

Kirk: I have heard of an ancient Terran beverage that is known to reduce one's sperm count to zero. We may be able to use this to  
sterilize the planet and turn the Charlii into eunuchs. They will then release the girls from the planet.

Spock: Yes, I think I know of this. There actually may be a supply of  
it in the cargo hold.

Kirk: Why do you have Tropical Fantasy on the ship, Spock?

Spock blushes a deep green, which causes Bones to dry heave after he figured out what it meant (It mitigates pon farr).

A giant spray nozzle emerges from the Enterprise. It begins to emit a bright blue spray throughout the planet. As the spray comes into  
contact with Charlii they put down their cracq pipes and start walking normally.

Uhura: There is a message coming through.

It's Lindsay, wearing normal clothes for the first time in years.

Lindsay: I'm finally going back to Omnicron! Ships are coming here in a week to take us back to our planets now that the Charlii are no  
longer keeping us in sex cages.

Kirk: Well, at least there is one less sick f*ck in the galaxy and we can finally save the quadrotriticale crop from those tribbles, and  
stop the futures markets from being so crazy.


End file.
